WELCOME TO AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH HOLLYWOOD'S TALK OF THE TOWN...

R-Welcome to Ricky’s House how are you doing?
OW- Things could be better. Just trying to take it slow.

R-So things have been pretty bad since Kate left you how’s that going?
OW-I don’t think my doctor would like me to discuss her (nervously twitching) I’m trying to put her behind me but its tough, I’ve always had a thing for flat chested women. (Swallowing pills) She ruined me that bitch!!! I did everything for her and all she kept saying was how small my dick is, how my nose gave her more pleasure. (Breathing in a brown bag) I hope that whore gets the clap.

R-We hear you dropped out of Ben Stiller’s latest film, does this bother you?
OW- Well the thing is Ben is a good friend and since no one else will give me work he does his best to put me in his films, I owe him a lot. I really enjoy getting him coffee and bagels in the morning so I look forward to getting back to work.

R-How does it feel to be the talk of the tabloids?
OW- My phone hasn’t stopped ringing! It’s been a real boost for my career. I’ve had a ton of interviews and press conferences. The questions are tough though like, how many drugs I’ve taken? Do I like wearing women’s underwear? Am I Ben’s lover? I would like to answer them all but my people tell me the truth would be too much for the public to handle, that it’s best to let them decide for themselves.

R-I hear you’ve always wanted to be a writer rather than an actor; does it bother you that a writing career has never taken off?
OW-I’ve always enjoyed writing but everything I write gets denied. I can take the pressure, (tears streaming from his face) I’ve kept trying but, they keep shooting me down. I feel like I’ll never be a star, (crying hysterical) “I just want to die” (trying to take more pills, his body guard has to wrestle him to the ground and remove the bottle)
they keep putting me down



- Interview pause – R-What a little bitch, he’s curled up in a ball on the couch sucking his thumb.

R-So, having hit rock bottom and diving into drugs and suicide, will we be seeing you on VH1’s Surreal life?
OW- I never thought I would have to do something like that but my agent tells me it would be a good way to recover and make a comeback. I was told that my roommates will be Paris Hilton, Robbie Williams, Lindsey Lohan, Tom Cruise, Britney Spears, and Mel Gibson. That should be fun, I plan on rooming with Mel, he’s cool... Although the Doctors don’t think I shouldn't be in the same room with Mrs. Hilton (flat chest)

R-Will you ever be able to actually take your life in the future, or are you the type of person who will just give up on trying?
OW- I would like to say yes, I was never really a quitter. Next time I think I’ll really take my time and get it right, I’m a real perfectionist so you could imagine how disappointed I was to still be here.

R-Well thanks for stopping in. Good luck next time around. We’ll be sure (not) to watch you on the Surreal life. (You fucking loser)

OW-Thanks, it was a pleasure to talk to you. This is the only work they could book me in my condition.